what do i want??

so depressed....
for once i cant control my tears again today...
get confused again of what m i studying...
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN...


today music department's student came to do some performance,
we're so excited to watch them perform,
until i realise something...
everyone from music department,
they seems to be happy of what they are doing...
i started to feel confuse....
i used to be passion for piano,
but before entering college i didnt even think of taking music course,
why?? cuz... i don't see my future in music??


now i kinda regret...
after all interior design is not what i thought,
its hard to achieve what you wna get,
its not 1+1=2..
from an empty space you have to change it into something more than a space,
its not what you want it to be then u can change into what you want,
you have to consider more for people who is gna use the space,
the function of the space,
the human factors which define how wide would it be for a person to walk,
how tall should a bookshelf be for people to reach it,
what materials to use as your furniture,
what mood what ambience what style,
every single details you must not miss any one of it out of your design,
its all about things i could barely imagine...
things i always force myself to came out of an idea....


forcing makes stress i guess,
its not that i don't like interior design...
it's because im interested in this,
then here am i in MIA...
but i'm suppose to be happy arent i?
to study what i wanted to study...
but i don't understand why it turn out to be a pain experience,
i'm not happy...
for every sem i've been through,
i tried to stay strong,
but sometimes i just couldn't hide the weak side of me...
i know i have to face it but... guess im just not strong enough...


don't dare to think of giving up,
for this will cause a lot more of problems for me,
n i know that if i do that i will give disappointment for my parents,
n i don't wna let them know that im still a kid who could not handle her situation ,
and try to avoid the problem that i am facing...
haiz... SOMEBODY SAVE ME.....


actually i thought that it was their performance who made me emotional today,
cause i used to be happy while performing and wanted to be a musician,
and now i turn out to take the course that i thought i would like it...
but no, its not....
i feel like, maybe i wasnt happy?
i'm not happy to do whatever i'm doing?
i'm stuck and lost... or maybe after i find my way out,
it would be a different story?
i really don't know!!!!!!

for those who don't understand,
they always thought that study art and design is easy...
why?
as long you can draw then you can design!
its only to draw whatever u want so what else u need to think about?
drawing is not like calculating which is so so so much more hard!
well i guess that's the thinking of... ignorant people....

i hope everything will be fine after a good sleep tonight,
my eyes are so so tired....
but still there's unfinish homework to do,
should i go to class tomorrow?
will lecturer be disappointed if i cant show him any new idea?
more problems to face again...
i will survive,
don't give up yet!!!!!